On Success

[tesla]

Usually when I talk about the common definition of success I offset the word in quotes, thus: His "success" as a businessman was undimmed by the qualms he had about working in his particular industry. The quotes represent skepticism, and an agreement to temporarily stipulate the prevalent definition for the sake of a particular argument or anecdote.

However, the definition of success that I live by is different. It's entirely personal. It is prioritized. It says this:

• I will have enough money to meet all of my needs and some of my wants
• I will not put myself in a position where I have to worry about my debts
• I will be able to live alone in a comfortable but not extravagant home
• I will have a job that I can leave at the office
• I will routinely have 3-day weekends

There's more, of course, but those are the key work/life pieces.

I realize that right now the blended work/play lifestyle is all the rage, but currently I don't want one.

Maybe this is because I haven't found my calling, that thing I want to do all the time. Maybe it's because my to-do list has never, ever been done, and I'm not content to just leave things sitting undone while I can consider myself to be "working." Maybe it's a side-effect of feeling like I need to please everybody all the time (which itself is a classic side effect of being an alcoholic's child) - a compulsion which I'm getting over, but which requires constant vigilance not to skip back into. Maybe it's just that I like having large chunks of time wherein I don't need to deal with the input of other people.

Honestly, I'm having a hard time imagining that thing which, if it came with any kind of obligation, I wouldn't want to escape from sometimes. It wouldn't even matter if it was something that I currently do purely for pleasure; introduce the obligation and you diminish the joy that I would take in it. And I don't believe that I'm alone in feeling that way.

Comments

[terry31415.livejournal.com]

"Honestly, I'm having a hard time imagining that thing which, if it came with any kind of obligation, I wouldn't want to escape from sometimes."

Right ON! I count myself so lucky to finally discover what I really want to do (build databases!), but after struggling with subtle details ad nauseam, I'm happy to reach the end of the day. As a contractor, I take special delight in knowing that, at the end of the week, my employer prefers me to leave early Friday afternoon instead of going over 40 hours.

Congratulation on having a personal standard of success that is achievable, instead of striving for the standard of success that society suggests we strive for!

[drakemonger.livejournal.com]

Children include a large component of obligation, as you certainly realize; are they an exception, or would you have to build in escape?

[mplsfish.livejournal.com]

As a parent, an escape is essential. The burnout factor can be very damaging to your kids. Escape can be a weekend at grandmas, or an extra hour at daycare after work, or joint custody. Depends on your situation and your needs.

[saracura.livejournal.com]

Those sound like great points of success. I wonder what mine would be...

Having enough money to feel "safe" would be super lovely. (not there yet)
Not to have any credit card debt is a major goal. (again not there yet)
Do something that I love most of the time. (this one is achieved)
Not do the same thing everyday. (yeah - done)
Feel loved. (finally I am able to see the abundant love around me!)
Go out of town/out of the country on a regular basis. (I try...)

The work/play life is great if you know when to stop or take a break. I struggle with that sometimes, but I'm getting better about not feeling guilty for taking time for myself. Guess that comes with being a bit of a workaholic...

[daedala.livejournal.com]

I am thinking about your list successes, and I think I share most of them. Even though I do love my work (if not my job), I need to be able to put it away; I'm much better for it, and so is my output.

[mizzlaurajean.livejournal.com]

"I need to please everybody all the time"

Huh I thought that was the side effect of being a girl in our society. Not that I don't come from a long line of drinkers.

[guppiecat]

I don't think it's necessarily linked to sex-roles. If I had to guess, I'd suspect it's related to being a child raised within certain class structures.

[mizzlaurajean.livejournal.com]

What does this mean the work/play lifestyle?

This comment is about me

[guppiecat]

This is an interesting post.

As you know, I am one of the blended people, and pretty much have been for my entire life (long before it was trendy). However, I've never really thought about "success" and "work/life balance" as being connected in any way. For me, success has traditionally been based on some fairly common metrics. When life was equivalent to school, I measured success by the grades I received (anything less than an A was unacceptable). When I started working, I measured success by how much I could accomplish (and accomplish well) on each shift. In college, I still measured success by grades, but my standards were lowered to include Bs, largely due the incredible difficulty of getting As in Grinnell and the fact that I had a secondary priority of improving my social skills. After I joined the business world, I measured success in dollars (which I believe is the most common method).

However, in recent years, my definition of "success" has been changing. As much as I've struggled with the culture where I am, the concept of "team" that comes with the athletic background of the majority of my coworkers has made me question my "compare myself to my peers" metrics for success. We share the top three on your list, but I wouldn't really place the latter two on my list for "success". The penultimate item wouldn't even appear on any of my lists, as it's such a foreign idea to me.

Instead, I would add:

* I enjoy my time at work as much as my time at home.
* The work that I do, both at work and at home, has a personal meaning to me.

In the interests of honesty, I would also have to add:

* My compensation is above the average of my peers.
* My work is appreciated by others (boss, customers, other specific individuals based on the work).

I dislike that they are on my list, but I've not been able to shake the "measure myself against others" pattern that I learned in school. I will say that they're much further down the list than they used to be, but they are still there.

There is also the element of:

* I am able to complete the tasks and improvements that I set in front of myself.

This one is tricky, because as I get better at various things, I tend to choose increasingly difficult tasks, which often makes me feel like I'm less successful than I'd like. I'm aware that this is entirely self-driven, but that doesn't make it any easier to accept the failure.

I suspect that my definitions of "success" and "work/life balance" will continue to change as the priorities in my life change. In the past, when I've been in a relationship, I certainly had work set as a lower priority. (It was still screwed up a bit, because I habitually prioritize my own desires below that of work, which is something I have to work on). I anticipate that, when I have a family, I will prioritize something like: children, spouse, work, personal relaxation, personal art. That would, in turn, alter my definition of success, as the composition of work/life will have changed.

...and this comment is also about me,,, but it's about you too

[guppiecat]

a side-effect of feeling like I need to please everybody all the time

I don't doubt that this is a classic side effect of being an alcoholic's child (or a child from other non-ideal upbringings). However, it is also present in more "normal" households. When I was growing up, there were certain things that were simply expected, and it wasn't possible to conceive of not living up to the requirements. From the beginning, I knew that I was to not physically fight with my brother and that I would get good grades and go to college. I don't know if this counts as "pleasing everybody" so much as "pleasing my parents and teachers (and bosses)". Perhaps I don't truly understand what you mean.

My to-do list has also never been done, but as I learned from my father (who was a salesman with a home office, and was therefore ALWAYS working) and my mother's telling him when to switch tasks, that's OK. You just get done what you can, and move the rest of them off until tomorrow. Thus, there is no "work time" and "non-work time", there are just things you do depending on desire and energy. I never learned to segment my life based on blocks of time (which is partly why I find being a consultant to be difficult at times).

I'm having a hard time imagining that thing which, if it came with any kind of obligation, I wouldn't want to escape from sometimes.

I'm right with you on that one. I find it hard, though, because of the obligations that I put myself under. Perhaps this is why I generally have difficulty experiencing the joy that I often see people feel when they "just let go". That's always been hard for me (likely why I have trouble falling asleep). I need to get better at acceptance.

[mplsfish.livejournal.com]

I find I can't really relax untill it is physically impossible to do the things on my list. I have to leave town.

[madtruk.livejournal.com]

I'd have to add:

-People will generally be pleased to know me (eh-YMMV)
-I can indulge my narcissistic side occasionally (see-music)
-My family is taken care of (this has many nodes-financial, education, health care, etc)

Content + a few bucks generally means success to me, I guess.

[skylarker.livejournal.com]

Your list of success conditions sounds pretty good. I think mine would be similar in many points. But it would also include:
*carrying artistic inspirations through to realization,
*and (where fitting) publication. And it would include spending as much of my time as possible engaged in that artistic process. (I tend to assume that making money at it would enable spending more time at it.)
*And also spending a fair bit of time engaged with friends in mutually enjoyable pursuits.

Introduce the obligation and you diminish the joy that I would take in it.

That's an interesting point. It can be an issue, but it doesn't have to be. If, say, you enjoy creative work and want to make a living at it, it's possible to keep the obligatory end in the background while engaged in the work. Creative work is very much about engaging in process, and keeping one's focus there can assure production without putting pressure on the obligation to reach a certain end. I'm thinking that emphasis on process can make any work more joyful.